Many of us come to Al-Anon filled with despair
and hopelessness. Some of us come to find out how
to get another person sober; others grew up in alcoholic
homes or left alcoholic partners and no longer
live with active drinking. We may not see the impact
of having lived with alcoholism until we begin to
acknowledge that there are familiar difficulties in our
present lives and relationships. Many of us would
not have voluntarily walked through the doors of
Al-Anon if we were not in some sort of crisis or pain
that forced us to seek help.
Though we may not have
labeled it this way, we come to Al-Anon because our
lives are unmanageable – we come looking for relief.
The first word of the First Step illustrates an
important concept in Al-Anon recovery: We are not
alone. In our early meetings, we realize this is true. As
the Al-Anon Suggested Welcome says, “We who live,
or have lived, with the problem of alcoholism understand
as perhaps few others can. We, too, were lonely
and frustrated, but in Al-Anon we discover that no
situation is really hopeless and that it is possible for
us to find contentment, and even happiness, whether
the alcoholic is still drinking or not.” Just hearing
those words may help us to feel that there is hope for
us, too.
Once we acknowledge that someone else’s drinking
has affected our lives, we may want to blame
everything on the drinking. We are sure there must be
something more we can say or do that will convince
the alcoholic to stop drinking, thus resolving our
problems. We have no idea that we are as powerless
over alcohol as the alcoholic is.
Not understanding that alcoholism is a disease,
many of us have tried to take things into our own
hands. We may have poured out liquor, made excuses,
nagged, pleaded, protected or punished the drinkers
in our lives. We may have hidden our feelings, isolated
and avoided contact with the alcoholic, thinking
our problems would go away. We may have taken
over the alcoholic’s unfinished projects, answered
phone calls or covered his or her mistakes. No matter
what we did, our lives did not improve and the alcoholic
did not change.
In order to take the First Step and admit our powerlessness
over alcoholism, we need first to understand
and accept that alcoholism is a disease. Medical
authorities agree that alcoholism is a progressive disease
that can be arrested, but not cured – it is a lifetime
disease. One symptom is an uncontrollable desire
to drink; as long as an alcoholic continues to drink,
that desire will increase. Some alcoholics try to convince
family members that they are social drinkers by
drinking only on weekends or by abstaining for a limited
time. The compulsion to drink usually returns.
The only way to arrest the disease is total abstinence.
Many alcoholics successfully recover through a variety
of treatments. The Alcoholics Anonymous (AA)
program is generally regarded as the most effective.
Our experience shows that we cannot force someone
to stop drinking. This is an individual choice of the
alcoholic.
Alcoholism is a family disease. This means “. . . the
alcoholism of one member affects the whole family,
and all become sick. Why does this happen?
Unlike diabetes, alcoholism not only exists inside
the body of the alcoholic, but is a disease of relationships
as well. Many of the symptoms of alcoholism
are in the behavior of the alcoholic. The people who
are involved with the alcoholic react to his behavior.
They try to control it, make up for it, or hide
it. They often blame themselves for it and are hurt
by it. Eventually they become emotionally disturbed
themselves.” (from Alateen – Hope for Children of
Alcoholics, page 6)
In Al-Anon meetings we hear the three Cs describing
our powerlessness over alcoholism: we didn’t cause
it, can’t cure it, and can’t control it. We begin to learn
the basic Al-Anon premise of taking our focus off of the alcoholic and keeping the focus on ourselves.
Hard as it is to look at our own part in our problems,
acceptance of Step One brings relief from impossible
responsibilities. We were trying to fix a disease – and
someone else’s disease at that!
To find peace and serenity in our lives, we have to
change – a challenging, and perhaps fearful, thought.
We may have to re-learn to take care of ourselves.
When we are focused on another person’s alcoholism
and behavior, many of us develop the habit of putting
that person’s needs first. We may suffer from low selfesteem
and not believe that we deserve to take time
for ourselves. Whether we judge ourselves as good or
bad doesn’t atter; we are always defeated by alcoholism.
In Al-Anon, we will find help.
Admitting our powerlessness may be very difficult
for us. After all, we are the competent ones who held
the family, the job or the world together while the
alcoholics in our lives created chaos. How can it
be that we, the responsible ones, are powerless? In
Al-Anon, we come to understand that our lives may
be unmanageable because we are trying to control the
people and situations in our lives. It can be hard to
conceive that our well-meaning efforts have been part
of the problem, but by the time we reach Al-Anon, we
are finally ready to try something – anything – new.
We have to admit that nothing we do or don’t do can
control another person’s drinking. How can we help
an alcoholic? In Al-Anon we learn to accept the things
we cannot change (the alcoholic) and change the
things we can (ourselves).
To recover we have to learn
to keep the focus on ourselves.
As we look back on our lives, we are asked to
acknowledge our powerlessness over alcohol, the alcoholic
and every person and event we sought to control
by our own will power. By letting go of the illusion
of control over other people, their actions and their
addiction to lcohol, we find an enormous burden is
lifted and we begin to discover the freedom and the power we do possess – the power to define and live
our own lives. Unmanageability lessens. We begin to
see the paths to our own recovery.
In Al-Anon we discover principles that work for us
and help us relate to others. Al-Anon helps us learn
new ways to have healthy relationships in all areas of
our lives. Step One reminds us of our proper relationship
with others – we are powerless over them. It
places us in correct relationship with ourselves – when
we try to control others, we lose the ability to manage
our own lives. Step One is the true beginning of our
path to recovery.
